Confession No.2 - The Devil's Favorite Instrument

So... you are an adult now! Perhaps not JUST an adult.. but a Parent too!  Sigh of relief right? Finally...past the stage of being picked on for petty things or being teased because  you somehow overlooked  that hot pink hot stick in your hair and played an entire set of Christmas solos at the church Christmas banquet with it blatantly staring at the crowd behind you. (yes..yes.. that happened to me..DOH!) No more getting picked on because you can't afford the latest labels or drive you parents car. or even worse.. your parents drive you everywhere in their car. ... You are past that. Right? You are a mother. You have you own car. You have your own bank account. Your own family. You no longer meet the qualifying criteria to be the target of a bully. RIGHT? Ummm. I wish. After entering mommy-hood/ adult- hood I have discovered...Bullies still exist.  They simply come in different forms with much better disguises. Their method of torture is different.. More manipulative...More cunning.. More Passive Aggressive. But I have found one thing to be consistent.. the motive for bullying.. JEALOUSY... is the same... After much debate... and internal conflict. I find myself clickety-clacking away at the keyboard writing this post. The topic of which.. I'm sure lots of people have encountered.  I can't promise that this post wont end up sounding soap-boxish...but I will try my best to keep my passion reeled in to some degree. 


So...What has provoked this post? Well.. I can say Facebook is to blame to some degree. Am I anti-Facebook? heavens no! It keeps me connected to a lot of friends and family that I don't get to see on a regular basis. I love seeing pics of my friends families, reading about their interesting finds, learning from articles and other shared info. I think it is awesome! But just like anything else.. It can be used for evil. (make sure to say that last sentence SLOWLY and BREATHY in a darth vadar or dr.evil  voice for full dramatic effect.) So...Anyway.. let me make sure I stay on track.. Facebook isn't the culprit.. just that some people that use is negatively. MY STANCE/RULE on Posting on FB: IF YOU WOULDN'T SAY IT TO SOMEONE'S FACE. (AND I DON'T MEAN JUST IN AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION) BUT A TRUE FACE TO FACE BONIFIED CONVERSATION... THEN RESIST.  

Anyway.. This post isn't about Facebook. are the misuse of Facebook.. But some interactions on Facebook have been the recent catalyst to this post.  

You see...I have a loooooong life story. But here is the short version. . I was born ..had an interesting childhood with plenty of ups and downs...traveled the East Coast with my Parents and 2 older brothers Allen and Seth while my dad worked one outage after another at different nuclear plants. My daddy is a preacher. Always taught me to be kind. (hmmm those last two sentences could be the beginning to a country song) They taught me that you reap what you sew (you really do...in one way or another) , do unto others as you would have them do unto you (trust me my brothers were more than happy to confirm that one) , a kind word turneth away wrath (technically it should but in my experience... it sometimes makes people even angrier..)  you know all that good stuff. I really try to do right... to be Honest, Authentic, and Sincere. If I had to write my own eulogy or epitaph I would hope those words would be used to describe me.  As I have grown up I have discovered that life is one trial after another...God is always putting us in new situations that teach us something and help us grow.  Lately I have found myself in junior high again it seems. (or at least what I imagined junior high to be like  ( I was home-schooled and only went to public school for 3rd grade and 7th grade so I only had a glimpse of the world of junior high) Sometimes I feel like I am in perpetual Junior High. In my brief experience in public school... I encountered mean girls- those that picked on me and rediculed me for the way I dressed - I had braces , wore modest clothing and had hair down to my knees. I found myself in the school office on more than one occasion with gum in my hair because the girls behind me thought it was funny.  Looking back I know they were just jealous because their hair style looked more like Gollum's from lord of the rings... and mine... well it was obvious I was  Repunzel. (princess!!!)  Sooo many things happened.. all normal and typical, I'm sure..and. all of which...as I look back, I can see were from the same root... Jealously.  MAN Jealousy should really be a 4 lettered word. It's nasty. Most of these events- the bullying- ridiculing-ect. were done by other females.  This is why as I have gotten older I have had very few close friends - only a few female.  It seems like at a certain age people would grow out of this type of stuff and start acting right. But They don't... People don't grow out of Jealousy. Period.  Now that sentence can be read two ways.... They Don't GROW out of Jealousy... and they don't grow out of..jealousy.  Jealousy holds you back... makes you bitter...envious...nasty. I don't want any of those on my headstone to describe me. This is a definition I found online from Merriam-Webster's online Dictionary... 

1. intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness <a boyfriend who became jealous whenever she paid attention to anyone but him>

Synonyms possessive

Related Words controlling, demanding, domineering,grasping; covetous, envious, invidious, jaundiced; distrustful,mistrustful, suspicious; overprotective, protective

Near Antonyms undemanding; permissive, tolerant,tolerating, trustful, trusting, understanding

2

having or showing mean resentment of another's possessions or advantages <was jealous of his friend's great popularity with the girls>

Synonyms covetous, green-eyed, invidious, jaundiced,jealous, resentful

Related Words begrudging, grudging; avaricious, grasping,greedy, rapacious; distrustful, suspicious; malicious, petty,spiteful

I don't know about you.. but I don't those types of things to control or guide my actions and motivations. 

Anyway.. So..back to my sermon... LOL.. As you get older you somehow foolishly believe that people can grow out of that behavior.. But in my experience.. the way it manifest is just different.  

AS many of you know we moved from baton rouge to baytown back in August 2013. It has been a blessing... but also a trial for my love and I. From the time we got married 5 years ago...Lovey (James) and I have had more than our share of financial obstacles. He has been laid off 2 times within 3 years. After the first lay-off ( I was 6 months pregnant with Rowynn when he came home with the not so good news) he was un-employed for 10 months. Finally found a part-time job... but after 1 year our cobra had run out and he had to find something full-time... He was blessed with another job at a not so desirable school in the heart of baton rouge.. We were so thankful.. then another lay off due to the EBR's reduction in force....yippee... Across the river he went to WBR to find a job because of some stupid red tape with EBR and there special little lists... and things were getting better.. we were still struggling.. but things were looking up... Then he got offered his dream job here in Baytown as a percussion specialist. We are both thankful.. but Moving is EXPENSIVE!!!! especially when your property in baton rouge still sits unsold...8 months later... yikes! It has been an ongoing battle since the day we pulled into the driveway of our rent house here in baytown.. but I also know that we are where we are supposed to be...because we Prayed about it. Truly and sincerely prayed about it. My prayer was not "Please give James this job!!" it was "Lord...you know the desires of our hearts... you know that we think this is an awesome opportunity...but you see down the road and you know what we need... so Lord...if this is your will then let it be...if not.. then please don't let it happen and give us the grace and strength to accept it." SO... I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was God's PERFECT will.  I can't explain why the house in baton rouge hasn't sold yet.. I think its a great house! I can't tell you why the devil is attacking our finances... My only explanation is.. we are learning to trust... and the devil must be awfully afraid of what God is doing....otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard to destroy us. This valley is beautiful...I can see promise growing in this valley..I am seeing change in this Valley.. It is hard to see sometimes....but it is beautiful...and I am thankful...this valley is LEADING us to our promised land. Speaking of promised lands... Think about Moses and the promised Land... The Israelites were on their way to the promised land for 40 years. God had freed them from captivity. I felt like our captivity was Baton Rouge in a sense.. I realize now that this period of time that we are in.. is our wilderness... You can do two things in the wilderness.. you can give up and die.. or you can learn the lesson and get on with things.

 One of the lessons I am learning is how to handle actions from others that are fueled by jealousy... this one is a hard one for me... the carnal human side of me wants to bristle up and slap a comeback at people when I feel attacked... or hide away and cut myself off from others.  I think that Jealousy is the devils instrument and he has a lot of people playing it in his band lately. ( I know that was kind of cheesy...but catchy right?)  Unfortunately, his principle players... probably don't even realize that they are being used as his puppets to spread discouragement and pain. If only they could see how beautifully they could impact others lives if they would learn to embrace their own talents instead of envying others.  

So what can I do when I feel that someone is doing me wrong...or that I am the target of their jealous attacks?  Well.. right now.. I am typing this post...which strangely has modulated from the intial rant-like thinking I was having into a perspective of compassion and borderline pity. When I started writing this I really thought I would tell more about the situtation that has offeneded me and hurt my little heart and discouraged me...woe is me...or so I thought. But I have alot to be thankful for. All these things that I feel hurt over are gifts and talents that God has given me. That God has given me as BLESSINGS.   Odd how God can work  and change our perspective... eh? 

So What else can I do?

I know that I can pray about it. 

What is helping me more than anything right now is viewing the situation differently.  Last night when the initial discouragement happened... I felt rejected..hurt...confused...betrayed in a sense... as I have been pondering it today an examining the motives I am seeing that it is more sad than anything else. It is sad that others doubt themselves so much that they would try to tear down another. It is sad that they are letting the devil use them for his devices to discourage others. It is sad that they can't see the value in themselves. It is sad that Jealousy is restricting their growth and smothering out their good fruits.  It is sad that they are so worried about God Blessing someone else with something different that they don't pay attention to the gifts God has given them... Jealousy is Poison y'all. It will steal your joy...cause nothing but dissatisfaction...at the slightest hint of it trying to creep into your life....chase it away by focusing on and embracing your blessings. Lift up your friends, sisters, and family. When you see them doing well or trying to do something... Bless them. The bottom line in dealing with jealous people is this... If GOD has a plan for you (your ability/your gift/your business/ etc.) there is NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!! anyone can do to stop HIS plan for you from unfolding!!!! Well there is one thing that can ruin it... you and your attitude. Don't let the Devil keep you from your promised Land. Remember...no one Grows out of Jealousy....

And Just gonna put this out there.. You are going to see me.. fervently trying to embrace the abilities and plans God has for me with everything I have... And If that upsets you... I am sorry.. that is not my intention.. If you would like I will be more than happy to try and encourage you to do the same with whatever you feel God is wanting to use in you. Just reach out to me... I will show you the love and support that I desire to receive. =)  

LUKE:  27But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, 28Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. 29And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also. 30Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.31And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. 32For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. 33And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. 34And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. 36Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

My First Confession

So... My very first post on my umpteenth blog. I've tried blogging before.. Really enjoyed it.. however.. I think I narrowed the title too much and felt obligated to only write about particular subjects... This one.. Is going to be different. If you decide to read my blog on a regular basis.. you are going to find an eclectic variety of topics... Who knows what random thought will inspire, irritate, enlighten or fascinate me on any given day. You might find a delicious recipe, a clever poem, photographs taken by a slightly enamoured parent, a glimpse into my perspective on different life situations, a useful household ditty, a spiritual revelation, a Rowynnism ( stories inspired by the actions of my darling 3 year old daughter), a Cakeism ( story inspired by my 1 year old incredibly adorable 1 year old son) or even a sample of my many sewing/crafting adventures.  The truth is... if you choose to read/follow this blog... you will always find thoughts/revelations/perspectives by me that are genuine, heartfelt, transparent and authentic. I am a black and white.. whatcha see is what you get type of person.  I firmly believe that if you are happy... you should smile. If you are sad... you should frown. You should use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion. I don't believe in sugar coating things... however I also don't believe in being unnecessarily harsh or rude. I believe in being honest about your feelings. I also believe you can be honest, tactful, graceful at the same time. I don't believe honesty is cruel. I don't believe being honest with a person is a license to speak your mind in a way that you might damage someone else.  Honesty is something that I feel is crucial. I don't think that pretending is appropriate in  relationships. I don't believe in saying what others "want to hear" just to make them happy or flatter them. I don't believe in sucking up to get ahead or get your way. I say if you have to be fake to get someone to do something for you.. Find another way to do it. I don't believe in strings. I don't believe in games. People are real. People have feelings. You shouldn't toy with peoples emotions to entertain yourself or make your self feel good.  You should always be honest with other people, yourself and God. You should live each day on purpose. You should love on purpose. You should start each day with prayer and with the mindset.. What can I do Today to make a difference in someone else's life.. to make someone else's day a little better. How can I be that person that speaks encouragement and hope into someone else's situation.  You should inspire hope, joy and love. Not strife, discord, doubt, and hate. How many times have we interacted with someone and not even thought about what seeds we were sewing in their life. What kind of thoughts we were inspiring by our conversations?

Now as my first confessions.. I must confess... I am far from perfect. I don't always pray and read my Bible like I should. I have made bad decisions. I have said and done things that have hurt people. I have antagonized situations on purpose.  But I can honestly say... The depth of my malice is shallow. I have never had any desire to cause true pain. I never want to damage someone. The extent of emotional distress that I have wanted to inflict on someone as been no more... than just wanting to irritate someone or push their buttons. Like unto what you do to a sibling. You never think about actually causing damage... you just want to get under their skin. I can remember being a child, probably about 5 or 6 years old... My dad worked in nuclear plants and for a large part of my childhood we traveled up and down the east coast going from one nuclear plant to another.. living in hotels, apartments and many different houses, spending plenty of time in close quarters, particularly in the car.  My parents seemed to have a particular fondness of 80's model Cadillacs.  I remember one faithful Cadillac that was our carriage for many trips.. We called him "OLD BLUE. " Well.. I was the youngest of three children.. My two brothers, Allen and Seth were 6 and 3 years old than me.  Seating priority was based on your age.  Allen and Seth's birth order guaranteed them the prime spot of window seats. Which left only one seat available for me. The hump.  Sandwiched between my beloved brothers was my constant place.  Trips always started out fairly civil.. but as the miles passed... restlessness, boredom and lots of aggravating transpired.  Allen ( the oldest) was not much of an antagonizer. He is bossy and thinks he knows what is best for everyone, but, never really went out of his way to aggravate us.. I think mainly because he just wanted us to leave him alone. Seth on the other hand... hmmm. Seemed to harvest great joy by irritating Allen and me and just pushing our buttons.. On one trip we happened to pass through Gettysburg.  If you have ever been to Gettysburg.. you know that their are cemeteries everywhere.... EVERYWHERE. The passing by of the ample multitude of stone inspired my dear sweet brother Seth.. to compose a chant like tune... "Everywhere I look is Ceeeeem- E- TARRRRY."

Pic of Cemetary that I took a few years ago... 

Wasn't so bad for the first 30 seconds... but after that it just irritated the snot out of Allen and me.. And every time we passed a cemetery it seemed to resurrect the little diddy.  Heavy sigh. It was challenging to keep our hands to our self and not strangle the chant right out of Seth.  I think on a few occasions.. Allen and me might have been caught in the act of trying to physically put a halt to the chant that just happened to be coming out of Seth's mouth.  I can recall multiple situations that Seth's "creativity" provoked feelings of irritation on the part of Allen and myself.  Heavy sigh.  Precious Memories.. how they linger...

So.. I said all that to give an example of how my mind works. The depth of my plotting and calculation that I am capable off. I admit I am very analytical. I analyze everything. I am always trying to figure out the "why?" Why someone said a particular thing or acted a certain way. I am very action driven. I loathe when someone says one thing and does another. Hypocrites I guess you could say.  I despise them and have no desire to be associated with such beings.  For instance... If I say I like cheese... I like cheese. If I say I want to see you... I want to see you. I don't just say... "Let's get together!" and secretly have no intention of doing so. If I say that, it means... I want to hang out with you!  Pretty simple. I try to always let my actions reflect my words. If I say.. I miss you.. It means... I miss you. I don't just say it for the sake of saying it or because it is what someone wants to hear.  You can be certain that if you are a friend of mine... it is because I love you  and enjoy your company.. Not because I feel like it looks good or I can gain something from you, or because I am just being polite.  I try to always be polite.. but I will always be authentic. You will never have to guess where you stand with me... and if you find yourself wondering.. I will be glad to clarify.  However I sincerely hope that none of the folks that I have chosen to be in my life ever have to wonder.  I pray that I show them on a regular basis  through my actions how much they mean to me and how important they are to me.  It is my goal and aspiration to be authentic, genuine, and transparent in all my relationships, words,  and actions.  So.... If you are still reading this... that is what you will discover... I plan to provide a untainted, raw,  perhaps brutal glimpse into my mind. I will be honest , even if it means "confessing" things that are difficult to admit.  I won't spare myself from my own analytical eyes.  This blog will be a record of my journey to be a more authentic version on my myself.  So... if you want to get to know the "real" me.. just keep on reading. =)