My First Confession

So... My very first post on my umpteenth blog. I've tried blogging before.. Really enjoyed it.. however.. I think I narrowed the title too much and felt obligated to only write about particular subjects... This one.. Is going to be different. If you decide to read my blog on a regular basis.. you are going to find an eclectic variety of topics... Who knows what random thought will inspire, irritate, enlighten or fascinate me on any given day. You might find a delicious recipe, a clever poem, photographs taken by a slightly enamoured parent, a glimpse into my perspective on different life situations, a useful household ditty, a spiritual revelation, a Rowynnism ( stories inspired by the actions of my darling 3 year old daughter), a Cakeism ( story inspired by my 1 year old incredibly adorable 1 year old son) or even a sample of my many sewing/crafting adventures.  The truth is... if you choose to read/follow this blog... you will always find thoughts/revelations/perspectives by me that are genuine, heartfelt, transparent and authentic. I am a black and white.. whatcha see is what you get type of person.  I firmly believe that if you are happy... you should smile. If you are sad... you should frown. You should use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion. I don't believe in sugar coating things... however I also don't believe in being unnecessarily harsh or rude. I believe in being honest about your feelings. I also believe you can be honest, tactful, graceful at the same time. I don't believe honesty is cruel. I don't believe being honest with a person is a license to speak your mind in a way that you might damage someone else.  Honesty is something that I feel is crucial. I don't think that pretending is appropriate in  relationships. I don't believe in saying what others "want to hear" just to make them happy or flatter them. I don't believe in sucking up to get ahead or get your way. I say if you have to be fake to get someone to do something for you.. Find another way to do it. I don't believe in strings. I don't believe in games. People are real. People have feelings. You shouldn't toy with peoples emotions to entertain yourself or make your self feel good.  You should always be honest with other people, yourself and God. You should live each day on purpose. You should love on purpose. You should start each day with prayer and with the mindset.. What can I do Today to make a difference in someone else's life.. to make someone else's day a little better. How can I be that person that speaks encouragement and hope into someone else's situation.  You should inspire hope, joy and love. Not strife, discord, doubt, and hate. How many times have we interacted with someone and not even thought about what seeds we were sewing in their life. What kind of thoughts we were inspiring by our conversations?

Now as my first confessions.. I must confess... I am far from perfect. I don't always pray and read my Bible like I should. I have made bad decisions. I have said and done things that have hurt people. I have antagonized situations on purpose.  But I can honestly say... The depth of my malice is shallow. I have never had any desire to cause true pain. I never want to damage someone. The extent of emotional distress that I have wanted to inflict on someone as been no more... than just wanting to irritate someone or push their buttons. Like unto what you do to a sibling. You never think about actually causing damage... you just want to get under their skin. I can remember being a child, probably about 5 or 6 years old... My dad worked in nuclear plants and for a large part of my childhood we traveled up and down the east coast going from one nuclear plant to another.. living in hotels, apartments and many different houses, spending plenty of time in close quarters, particularly in the car.  My parents seemed to have a particular fondness of 80's model Cadillacs.  I remember one faithful Cadillac that was our carriage for many trips.. We called him "OLD BLUE. " Well.. I was the youngest of three children.. My two brothers, Allen and Seth were 6 and 3 years old than me.  Seating priority was based on your age.  Allen and Seth's birth order guaranteed them the prime spot of window seats. Which left only one seat available for me. The hump.  Sandwiched between my beloved brothers was my constant place.  Trips always started out fairly civil.. but as the miles passed... restlessness, boredom and lots of aggravating transpired.  Allen ( the oldest) was not much of an antagonizer. He is bossy and thinks he knows what is best for everyone, but, never really went out of his way to aggravate us.. I think mainly because he just wanted us to leave him alone. Seth on the other hand... hmmm. Seemed to harvest great joy by irritating Allen and me and just pushing our buttons.. On one trip we happened to pass through Gettysburg.  If you have ever been to Gettysburg.. you know that their are cemeteries everywhere.... EVERYWHERE. The passing by of the ample multitude of stone inspired my dear sweet brother Seth.. to compose a chant like tune... "Everywhere I look is Ceeeeem- E- TARRRRY."

Pic of Cemetary that I took a few years ago... 

Wasn't so bad for the first 30 seconds... but after that it just irritated the snot out of Allen and me.. And every time we passed a cemetery it seemed to resurrect the little diddy.  Heavy sigh. It was challenging to keep our hands to our self and not strangle the chant right out of Seth.  I think on a few occasions.. Allen and me might have been caught in the act of trying to physically put a halt to the chant that just happened to be coming out of Seth's mouth.  I can recall multiple situations that Seth's "creativity" provoked feelings of irritation on the part of Allen and myself.  Heavy sigh.  Precious Memories.. how they linger...

So.. I said all that to give an example of how my mind works. The depth of my plotting and calculation that I am capable off. I admit I am very analytical. I analyze everything. I am always trying to figure out the "why?" Why someone said a particular thing or acted a certain way. I am very action driven. I loathe when someone says one thing and does another. Hypocrites I guess you could say.  I despise them and have no desire to be associated with such beings.  For instance... If I say I like cheese... I like cheese. If I say I want to see you... I want to see you. I don't just say... "Let's get together!" and secretly have no intention of doing so. If I say that, it means... I want to hang out with you!  Pretty simple. I try to always let my actions reflect my words. If I say.. I miss you.. It means... I miss you. I don't just say it for the sake of saying it or because it is what someone wants to hear.  You can be certain that if you are a friend of mine... it is because I love you  and enjoy your company.. Not because I feel like it looks good or I can gain something from you, or because I am just being polite.  I try to always be polite.. but I will always be authentic. You will never have to guess where you stand with me... and if you find yourself wondering.. I will be glad to clarify.  However I sincerely hope that none of the folks that I have chosen to be in my life ever have to wonder.  I pray that I show them on a regular basis  through my actions how much they mean to me and how important they are to me.  It is my goal and aspiration to be authentic, genuine, and transparent in all my relationships, words,  and actions.  So.... If you are still reading this... that is what you will discover... I plan to provide a untainted, raw,  perhaps brutal glimpse into my mind. I will be honest , even if it means "confessing" things that are difficult to admit.  I won't spare myself from my own analytical eyes.  This blog will be a record of my journey to be a more authentic version on my myself.  So... if you want to get to know the "real" me.. just keep on reading. =)